Fear of time…
I finally managed to accomplish the birthday gift mission; head to “Mohallag” for SPA Time , got the vouchers (which includes a treatment for me :) ) & picked up acoupla items on the way; went to Gifts Gate where I paid KD 18 for a box – am gullible! Bas ma mama’s worth it all… I wish she likes the stuff…. Poor thing went through a lot raising 4 cows! Yup cows, well at least I help around the house, I keep telling her : “mama if I leave, you won’t find someone to help you with house chores!” yes – am a proud house assistant.. I enjoy it anyways..
My mom’s turning 50 enshallah (may allah elongate her life more & more), I couldn’t help but think of how time passes by a human being, although we sometimes don’t feel it but we go into a trance & get into denial about our lives, ages & things we take for granted in this life time…. I don’t have a real live role model in my life – not even my mom, I feel sad for her sometimes actually… she works her eyeballs out so we get what ever we want & more… she’s there for my dad 24×7… she sees herself in us that’s why she’s tough sometimes, with all the advice she passes around… I tend to ignore but deep down inside, I know she’s right & she’s looking out for my interest as well as my sisters.. I also can’t help of the “Barbie” moms I see around in the streets o malls… how can they erase their identities to look the way they do right now! How can their husbands allow that! I mean, am a female & I tend to look, really check these women up! They don’t want men to go “ga gaa” at those walking mannequins with all the hair or sheelas – head covers- showing their hair & accessories! Am not that old bas won’t do it - that’s rubbish. I don’t wanna judge or condemn them, it’s their lives… let them waste it as they want..
I was looking into my pictures, I found baby me
Baby me was naughty (still am :) ), baby me used to have two ponytails & go play with the bike in the 7oosh of our building or bash some boy group for football or a game of hide n’ seek…
Baby me used to go sit next to her dad while he prayed or read Quran, trying to recite after him…. What ever happened to baby ME! Baby me never thought of discrimination, racism or differences… baby me never used to curse, well only the word 7omar (donkey) – that’s when they’d lock me up in the bathroom ….
Did I ever expect my life to turn out the way it’s now, noo… did I ever think time will scar me badly, nooo…. Did I ever think I’d feel so angry at so many things, noooo
Why does time play tricks on us! Why do we go after desires… why do we neglect what’s best for us…
I look at my mom’s face with all the tiredness & agony it displays & think “what will I be like in 10 years from now” that’s if I live that long… would I ever see my kids or would I settle for my 5 cats, who also won’t live that long!
I fear time… I hate time…
I wish I could make time stop STILL….
UPDATE: : Remember the day I went to Fanar, there was this one incident that bugged me bas it just came back to haunt me; Blue needed to go to the bathroom badly :P – so that was our first destination… We walk in, am left alone & there was this “kid” woman wannabe fixing her gigantic “PUFF” as they call it! She looks at me and the conversation goes like:
Girl: Law sama7ti – excuse me!
Me: Hala
Girl: Entay men wein -Where are you from-!
Me: Hmm, leish – why- !
Girl: Gollelay bas -Just tell me-…
Me: Ok, am Syrian.. *heart beating faster* – why dear, tell me!
Girl: *with a funny 7aleema like voice* Wallaah wallahh, 7esbaly entay amrekeyaah – thought you were American- *Ahaa*!
Me: *Smiling* leish, ana shakle mo amrekiii – I don’t look American-
Girl: Madriiii *7aleema’s voice* – bas estanast wayed lamman sheftech, chan agool ethabbel amreekiya met7ajba! – I was sooo happy to see you thinking that you are an American with veil – head cover-
Me: yemken le anny beida – maybe it’s because of my skin color – am white kinda pale – o 7abebti fee kteer americans with hejab now – there’s lotsa covered American women now..
Girl: eh eh heee, madri – I dunno…
It was awkward so I shifted the conversation towards her..
Me: Can I ask something.. Your eyebrows (half of the thing was GONE) – how could you do that! How could you have the heart to remove it!
Girl: eh he heee! Madri – motha o chan al7ag elkel! – I went with the flow since that’s the hip fashion…
Me: Do they grow back! How do you fill the spaces.. henna or a pencil..
Girl: Maadriiiii , 9a3ab wayed, ma agdar a6la3 men elbeit cheethiiiii bas ma agdar akheehom, ye6la3oon kel wa7ed eb9oooob – I dunno, I just can’t leave home witouht fixing them and when the hair grows it looks really bad..
She plays with her hair & goes like: “sha3riiii 7eloooo! – does my hair look good-!”
Me: yeah mashallah…
Girl: Akeeed! *Arrgh*
Me: ee yumma! Akeed mashallah –
Girl: Weh mashkoora 7abebtiiii waaaaaaayed! – thanks alot hun!
Me: Welcome! BYE!
Ok, this was roughly a 16 – 17 years old teenager, fully dressed up & accessorized with the hairdo, the weird eyebrows let’s not forget the makeup…. what a shame, what a loss! Girls, this eyebrow thing’s killing me, makes a girl look like a witch!
seriously o bottom point, I don’t like weird bathroon conversations with strangers
September 16th, 2007 at
Dont think about time…
All these things you went through, made you who you are today,
and things are still changing, you might face worse things that will make you become a stronger and a wiser person .
thats the beauty of life you live it with all its
ugliness but you still live it…
if you can make time stop and indeed it stops you will wish you can make it move again.
thats how we humans are, we always want something else other than what we have, and then when we have it… we dont want it anymore…. i think i drifted a little here… anywho inshalla in 10 years you will be happy regardless of what you will get, so keep being who you are….
Love you . Peace.
September 16th, 2007 at
I wonder how you are always first to comment :P
What do I reply to this comment – mashalla, you always know what to say & you are more mature than your age … you’re cool :)
Yes a human being is never satisfied with what he has bas wishes give hope… reality bites you in the behind & that’s nasty.. I like clear things – this grey area is not meant for me… I would just like to have a step ahead… figure out the next move, so I won’t stumble & fall or break down once more….
you are an angel… your words are healing.. love you :*
September 16th, 2007 at
hehe i liked muhallag!! time is there to unfold what it written. there are ways to break time and space but its a tough discipline. besides i dont think airheads would be interested!!
September 16th, 2007 at
Time will tell heaven or hell …. one’s gotta try at least.. :)
September 16th, 2007 at
Hiya!
Your mom sounds sweet :) May she have a Happy Birthday … er belated and many more to come :P Love that you call it Mohallag, good girl ;P I do that too hehe Yup, we humans usually tend to want what we can’t have. Can’t say anymore ‘cuz Blue Dress said it all perfectly. You were a cutie as a baby! Cute pic :)
September 16th, 2007 at
“I don’t have a real live role model in my life “You don’t really need one!
September 16th, 2007 at
first… i thought you were american too :) hehehe
that girl “lessa ma shofteeesh 7aga”
you didn’t see half of it yet… bs walla you are strong to ask her this question… every girl that talks like 7aleema scares me … i always imagine that i will get slapped or my hair gets pulled if i talk to them.
I wish your mother a very happy birthday.
I totally understand your fear from the future. I feel the same specially when i see my mothers struggle with the 4 cows that we are too :)
September 16th, 2007 at
what a weird girl! 7asait 7ada randomn! u cnt accoste people bil malls asking them abt where they come from hehehe wow ana law intay chan galab il wayh to scary devil angry woman and left her hehe
oh and happy birthday to ur mom! and baby u should be content with adult u, lana regardless of our aspirations when we were kids u must remember, kids are stupid, so u should never give them the time of day (i know i will win mother of the century award)
September 16th, 2007 at
bas testahal omich kil khair
September 16th, 2007 at
such a cute kid, beats my kid pics, well maybe not.
That conversation part confused me because I thought you were talking to a tranny.
September 16th, 2007 at
wow.. you were a gorgeous baby girl mashallah.. I want to squeeze those cheeks.. I wonder how you look now! :P
September 16th, 2007 at
waaaaakhtttttttiiiiiiiiii !!!;**** SUPER CUTE GRL!!! :**
Allah ye6awil ib 3omir omich o obooch inshallah :*
September 16th, 2007 at
awalan.. happy belated to your lovely mum.. il3omer kila inshalah..
thaniyan.. Gift Gate.. ewwww.. next time come to me :P I’m the best gift wrapper in the world :P
and your baby pic is simply adorable !!
so cuuuuuuuuuute mashalah :)
and plz beware of the witches.. it’s ramathan now so pray for their sanity !
September 16th, 2007 at
you still look the same chika :)
September 16th, 2007 at
Your picture looks so so so cute! the lady was right, you really look like an american :)
September 16th, 2007 at
good thing we don’t have bathroom conversations :) we just go in handle our business and GTFO
September 17th, 2007 at
- D & G: Finally got you here :) I know, she’s smart (sometimes) bas what to do , life sux… keep drinkin’ :P
- Assom – Well yeah, Except religious figures of course ;)
- Judy, what happened to your blog :( Are you American! For some reason I think you are LOLLL! She.. slaps me! Honey, HEH! She dared to ask me, I ask back.. a9lan, I’ve been dying to ask a girl with a flying eyebrow :) Thanks sweetie – God help your mom, I understand :P
- Princes: I can be mean & scary in a classy elegant way ;) – I wish I stayed a kid o yes dear I know you suffered hard .. it’s ok sweetie :)
- Pearleeeetooooo: Who’s b-day’s sooooooooooooon :D
- THE PUUURG: KHAAAAAAAAAAAAKH – tranny meen o enta weeeeein! Shakhbarak :p – P.S: you’re gonna missssss it la laaa laaa laaa laaaaa laaaaa!
- RAG Aka Mona :) : I look like a cow :) that’s y I wanna go back to being a baby o 3yoonek 7elween :D
- Outkasteya: Your mom too babe :*
- Digmiitiii: 3yonnek 7elwa babe :) – o if you mean it, yalla! I’ll bring stuff over – 7arameya those Gift Gate! I enjoy arguing witches *wiggles eyebrows*
- Amu: Thanks dude :)
- Rieaane: thanks sweeties – I always tell anyone who sez a picture of mine is nice : ” It’s make up!” :P – I noo amrekiii I soorry
- TAT the MAN! Men are boring I know – you are extending my short obscene lingo list! :P
September 17th, 2007 at
No matter how old one gets …stay young at heart … i am still 16 no cancel that 14 ! i will always be …
thats one cute little chika-baby
B’day wishes to your Mother .. God bless .
September 22nd, 2007 at
Hi,
Fist of all happy belated bday to your mom, second of all mothers are angels if it was not for them being patient with us ,we will not have turned out the way we are.
The bathroom convo if it happened to moi I would prob ask the girl why she does not wear hijab herself if she was happy seeing non muslims wearing them .
Last but not leaset life is a preciouse thing, we should embrace it with love, joy and peace and cherish ourselves for who we are and to become individuals :)