“We are buying a man”
That’s the phrase fathers usually say when a proper suitor comes asking for their daughters hands for marriage, I’ve seen it in movies as well as I have witnessed it personally yet I can’t help but think of the harsh reality some men go through to please those parents and here’s when I detach myself from this because I know for a fact that my father isn’t materialistic to list down certain requirements for the potential groom making it impossible as if it wasn’t bad enough now a days with the crazy economical commotion that we are going through, along with the rest of the world…
I listen to stories about locals asking for thousands of Dinars as dowry or a big house, even a new car! which is to be honest a bit too much! What happened to “let’s build our lives together” or “I love you and I’d live in a rat hole with you till we manage” which is unrealistic and totally irrational and that’s why I never follow my heart when it comes to the future to avoid any arguments and disasters. Don’t get me wrong, I do have a heart and in spite I try to “butch” up most of the time, inside I am dying to spice up my life with burning passion and romance.. I am still infatuated with the “fairytale” love story and the “happily ever after” kind of relation although most tell me I need to be grounded because things never end up that way.. I still believe.. will always do disregarding every “don’t think of giving up your life now and ditch the idea of marriage” comments that I get from some women who are already married AND have kids!!!! They talk about marriage like it’s an epidemic they are striving to get cured from.. weird I guess.
I know this is going to be long but pls bare with me as I get it off my chest..
I’ve received comments like: “You’re materialistic” – “You’re dreaming” – “You’re normal so look for someone normal like you” – “You don’t have the right to chose as you are older now” – “You need to get down” – “You have to change the way you think” – ‘You need to change” !!!
When it comes to your personal lives I do not think you would accept someone addressing these type of statements to you and I know for sure that you will go do the opposite just to prove a point so on what basis do you presume – assume that such “advice” is applicable on me!? Let me explain my situation in details:
I am successful, well that’s what I think of myself and I am entitled.. I live a good life – from a financial point of view ALTHOUGH like most of you out there, I do suffer and manage to find ways to fix patches and I am not ashamed to announce it, life is hard enough and we are not paid enough. I learn by experience, which is not pleasant most of the times but I am glad that I did go through shit and have my own scars than have life hit me later.. I hold a BA of Linguistics… I make a fairly good living.. I enjoy certain TV shows, food, shops to buy from.. countries to visit.. get what I am saying.. I have my own way of thinking. I am 28 years old, which is surely not young but I’m neither old as well! I mean, life doesn’t stop at that age unless God forbids I drop dead while typing this post! lol
So of course, I tend to be opinionated when it comes to my future, my wants in a man but that doesn’t mean I won’t budge or compromise. Being fully aware of every single detail makes things better for me:
1. If a man makes less money than me, I assume that would create problems later on, I am very dependent and would automatically butt in to fill gaps and I don’t think any man would like to be overpowered by a woman.
2. Some men are allergic to women who have a degree, no matter how open minded they are, it would still be an issue.. what would happen if I wanted to continue my Masters!?
3. My parents worked so hard to make everything possible so I basically come ready, where’s the materialistic part in that!!?!
4. Framing a guy within the “bigger family picture” is essential to me so am not a racist at the end, I want the best for all of us..
Am done here, let’s move on to my parents. I surely had my share of men proposing and some of them were nice but it never worked out but I have been watching my father closely and it’s high time I analyze his behavior:
He’s quiet… He doesn’t give a negative opinion UNLESS the person deserves it and I learned that he’s right most of the times so I shut up. He never directly asked for a mahar / dowry like other parents do and I remember the phrase “My daughter is like one of yours, I know you will make sure she is respected and appreciated” and that’s about it and if he ever did ask a guy for money, his response to me when I fight on that with him is: “He asked how much do you want for your daughter! Is he buying a car from the 7araj!” so now I understand why he was “different” when it came to that..
BUT, I seriously now believe that my father wants me to stay home the rest of my life, which is not bad at all yet it’s not fancy to think of.. There has to be a “glitch” in every person
1. His salary
2. His job
3. His family
4. His religious backgrounds – we are Sunna and he thinks we all should stick to our beliefs..
5. His behavior
6. Nationality! He is somewhat racist too (reminds me of so many girls that talk about the same thing) – I don’t know who am I gonna end up with (IF) but I know my father has a say on that..
Is he being extra cautious? Is it permissible? Is it justifiable? Is he too looking at the big picture for the future? I am sure he is but when he got married to my mother he stood against odds.. she is from a totally different country with different family values yet they did it… No one understand how things go in this life and yes they do have their ups and downs but he had the right to choose.
and with every guy who dares open this subject with me I have a gazillion questions, having my father in mind..
I can’t think of anything else to end up this post with but this:
“Papa don’t preach, am in trouble deep” ….
[Update]: Blog’s been reviewed :D A POSITIVE ONE THANK YOU!!! [ HERE ]
July 18th, 2008 at
You have every right to feel violated by the comments that have been directed towards you.
I think your dad has a point. Dads are overprotective like that, and he knows best at the end of the day.
July 18th, 2008 at
I like this post.
July 18th, 2008 at
Those are pretty standard demands when it comes to Arab marriage. I completely agree that the finacial side is essential… I wrote something similar myself but I believe that pragmatism should come before the grand passion…the other way around and the flame of l’amour flickers out and all ur left with is a loser (sorry to be so harsh)
http://arabista-arabista.blogspot.com/2008/07/questions-on-marriage.html
July 18th, 2008 at
lucky bastard who gets you, i’ve seen your father, wajhen sam7 mashallah, 7achi bado. :)
la7ad e6egla 3erj bas esaweli salfa, ana bdewi tara.
July 18th, 2008 at
Arabista, I loved your post.. I couldn’t comment because you have to enable your settings to allow me to do so..
Tiger: Halla Halla :)
July 19th, 2008 at
It’s great to be opinionated :)
1 – not necessarily into trouble, it depends on how much of a salary gap there is. A good couple are ones who can plan the financial situation in a down to earth manner, together, so that none feel (too) overpowered/underpowered.
2 – It is your right to continue your masters and studies and any man telling you otherwise is going against basic religious teachings “to seek knowledge even if it were in China (aka far far away)”
3 – There is nothing wrong with materialism and long as you’re down to earth about it. You can have all your limbs in the sky but you do need a foot on the ground.
4 – I didn’t get this point :S
Regarding your parents, I would rather not get into that, since you don’t understand them it is foolish for me to analyze :)
July 19th, 2008 at
*I am thirsty* that was one long post …. good luck chika I would say the same old phrase I can see him coming your way soon :)
July 19th, 2008 at
AMU, why do you assume every time I write such a post I am seeking people’s prayers for a guy!! It’s just me thinking out loud of certain circumstances that some females go through and I think from a male’s point of view you would be helpful if you give your personal opinion on such issues right! ;)
July 19th, 2008 at
I love you and I’d live in a rat hole with you till we manage” never heard that before. i thought it was ” i live with you even on a Carpet” :)
July 19th, 2008 at
awwal shay goodluck with your life and I wish you all the best with your choice ..
about the 4 points u mentioned:
1. Yes I think you’re right, personally i dont like to be overpowered by woman. but this is not the case for all guys .. but generally .. you’re right.
2. Totally NO. Unless he himself don’t have one!
3. This is life. Work Hard – Party Harder! ;p
4. “Framing a guy within the “bigger family picture” is essential to me” – exactly. er’6a2 elwalideen is a magical secret you should always make sure they are comfortable with it <- THATS A TESTED FACT!
I think as you said he is extra cautious, like most parents are.
Finally agool .. elzawaj qesma o n9eeb … o elly maktoob enshalla be9eer :)
thanks
July 19th, 2008 at
My friend married his “high school sweetheart.” He paid 250 fils for his dowry. So what I’m saying is dont sweat it. If it’s meant to be then it’s meant to be. Unless your a pragmatic lover I suppose.
July 19th, 2008 at
What’s wrong with being pragmatic and conscious about the future? I believe all the problems that we hear about now happen because of impulsive decision making and your friend is smart :)- it’s a long life investment and that’s really good that they both did it that way because I bet they have a lot to take care of later on
July 19th, 2008 at
interesting post! how about you believe that whatever happens, happen for a reason?
July 19th, 2008 at
Yeah that and “3asa an takraho shay2an o howa khairon lakom”, two phrases that I heard a lot and tend to believe in now. they actually work as comforting words to me knowing that something good is coming my way. And I know in which sense you mean the phrase, “let go and take a plunge” believing that everything will be fine, will.. to some degree yes but it’s a character issue with me, better careful than sorry. This applies on me as well as the guy, I don’t want to be selfish when it comes to that..
July 20th, 2008 at
I seriously recommend “Ana 3ayza Atgawez” its a blog turned book by a young Egyptian bloggerette which is hilarious. I couldn’t read the blog (http://www.wanna-b-a-bride.blogspot.com/) too many colors in her posts but I loved the book. Lots of funny comments about the guys who proposed to her. My mom used to tell me than en el naseeb beyenzel men el sama ye2ool el 3ama el 3ama. And that when the right one comes along all of these things that you say should be compatible go out the window. But still nevertheless the couple should have respect for each other and the will to make it work because life is not a day at the beach ( even that with a kid is not easy ) and relationships need constant care and maintenance. I have lots to say on this but don’t want to be too long and boring
July 21st, 2008 at
i think u know what u want and nothing is worng with wanting something maybe other dont . ppl here of course mostly married women tells those crazy advices that u should do this and u should that , but thats from thier point of view it may work for them but ppl are different and we want different things
July 21st, 2008 at
6. Nationality! He is somewhat racist too (reminds me of so many girls that talk about the same thing) – I don’t know who am I gonna end up with (IF) but I know my father has a say on that..
Ooh I get what you’re saying.. in here even the whole a9eel and not a9eel thingy between Kuwaitis too.
July 21st, 2008 at
no for marriage girly!
July 29th, 2008 at
Ah ah…
Dear,
I needed to leave my note.
Love is more than pragmatism and money.
You probably have lots of it so why bother with a husband? You said your friends tells you about the hardship they face living with their husbands, do you want the same?
I married once for lifetime (and loving) and she left in search for money with another one!
Now I live literally like another comment, everyday in a beach where I am surrounded by forests and the ocean with his whales and exuberant marine life.
Here we do not need Porsches, BMW’s, Mercedes and Maserati’s all you need is a regular job and friends.
And you know what we’re all happy. Sure some have bigger dwellings than others, more nice stuff, but we all respect and like each other as same, having friends from different backgrounds.
I dying to love and get together with someone for the rest of my life and does not matter if she’s is richer or poorer than me, I’m new here but good people are getting closer, eventually will happen.
Do not worry much.
Seems that you can get what you want in your closed racist world.
I am from a distant south land living in the north and believe me most people here are not concerned with possesions but when to find the special one that will be with you many decades to come and this is all we want. I need no luxury here when every night almost I can see the stars, smell a clean ocean, eat fresh, breath the mountain air, go walk in to the beach after work, swim, fish… Wow so many things we can do here with little cash. And we all like cash, most of us spend in pleasure, keeping some for the kids always. Life is so short. I was kinda of bugged by your statement of geographic background.
You see that’s one thing we do not have around here, at least in my circle of friends and community. We have acceptance, lots of it. My mom will never bother where my woman was born or raised as long as she respect me for what I am & believe rather than how much I have and is a caring loving mom.
I think I said lots of bs, but I was just crying out from this side of the world saying that we have people who live well and happy without oil and diamonds and I am interested in people other than the ones who lives in my continent without prejudice at all.
Peace be with you.
Cheers,
Cris :-)
July 29th, 2008 at
“Seems that you can get what you want in your closed racist world.”
wow! Is that how I reflect myself from this post!!! Okey Dokey.. you say materialistic, pragmatic, racist! I will call you narrow minded AND judgmental! Simply because you chose to have this phrase in your comment without even knowing me in person.
It is not about the money and I keep saying it but I don’t know where you are and what culture you come from, to Arabs it does matter who is their kid marrying and maybe you wouldn’t understand.
huh! You people just generalize without even getting the whole picture and buddy, GOOD LUCK finding a woman but you seriously have to lighten up, from what I read between the lines you have bottled anger dude!
July 29th, 2008 at
and Francisco, use your name next time ;)
August 6th, 2008 at
Hi chicka,,
I read your blog and I was wondering what to you feel closer to??
Egyptian or Syrian??
Your mother is syrian right??
have you been to both countries??
August 6th, 2008 at
No my mom is Egyptian.. nuclear combo!!
Well, I’ve neber been to Syria and Egypt is okkk, kind of! One could never tell which am closer to because stuff like that doesn’t matter after all because it’s an issue of understanding and respect I think.. el mohem that we don’t have cultural collision!
August 6th, 2008 at
I see, well it is not a matter of which is better, just a random curiousity (spelling)
What about your accent??
August 6th, 2008 at
oh, my accent! wow.. how can I describe it! A mix of light Syrian without the ma6ma6ee ;) – shwayet ma9ri when am excited or pissed off.. ENGLISH kteer.. kinda Jordanian, defshe shway :) ! I dunno people say it’s weird!
August 7th, 2008 at
sounds interesting (except for the english part)
what about the looks?? where would people guess you are from??
btw, it seems your mother has mastered the Syrian cuisine
August 7th, 2008 at
:$ why are you asking about looks!?! There’s a picture of me somewhere here.. bas am gonna answer that innocently and tell you that the Syrian genes rules of course! And yeah, of course she has to master the food as well as the language, Syrian men are dominant I guess
August 7th, 2008 at
your mother can speaks with a syrian accent as well??
I hope for her sake your father is not halabi
I didn’t see your picture. is it the one about tanning??
from that one I get the impression you have nice facial features
August 7th, 2008 at
which one is that?! the one with shades? I dunno if I have nice features or not.. that doesn’t really matter does it :) !
I wish we had the 7alabi accent, it’s annoyingly cute!
August 7th, 2008 at
so where are you from then?? shamieh men el shaghoor??
there is a picture where you complain that your tan doesn’t last long.
where is your shades picture at??
August 7th, 2008 at
shoo shagoor?!
ba3dein, be my guest and flip search the blog for the pic ;)
August 7th, 2008 at
tayeb mashi, btestahli el 3azab
shaghoor is an area in old damasc.
you should visit syria
August 7th, 2008 at
rajol mo6ee3 :D
enshallah I intend to soon! Dad originates from Hama & Halab minus the accent
August 7th, 2008 at
hama is the city of 7alaweh bi jebneh. pls tell me know what is that..
August 7th, 2008 at
How come you don’t know that!? where you from!!?!
It’s cheese, sweetened and filled with cream – 2esh6a and they pit syrup on it! ahh! I love it!
August 7th, 2008 at
I meant you better know that dessert as hama is famous for it. it is very good indeed..
I am from damasc living in dubai.
leki tara ana stawiet
tesba7i 3ala khier
August 7th, 2008 at
elly beyemshi wara el neswan byet3ab khayoo! :p – ana estaweeten! besides the disgusting fact that we all have work tomorrow! so good nite! nice chatting on the blog!
August 7th, 2008 at
disgusting??
hie la7a beda lecture..
bass yalla I will catch you later
bye
August 7th, 2008 at
why lecture! It’s a known fact that 99.9% are not quite happy with their jobs, I happen to fall in that category! bas yeah, 7amdellah O got something at least!
August 7th, 2008 at
if you are not happy with your job, then think of what you would like to do and make a plan how to get there. don’t blindly quite though..
btw I give up on finding your picture. the way you sort your blog is not helping much either.
I guess it doesn’t matter as you said you are ugly…
August 7th, 2008 at
am way over the phase of “think what you want to do” and I know I could get good offers but am treating this in a very patient way you know..
My blog is so simple and easy to navigate :) don’t make the picture your obsession and yeah, I am ugly :)
August 8th, 2008 at
and believe me, am feeling sorry for you in a way :) don’t take me wrong buddy but dontcha think it’s totally superficial when a guy insists on “looks” rather than substance especially when this judgment is online you know..
August 8th, 2008 at
why are you being so nice??
I insulted you on your turf and you are putting smilies??
August 8th, 2008 at
al ebtesama fe wajh akheek sadaqa!
etha kha6abakom el johala2 qoloo salaman!
I guess there are mature ways of discussing stuff, I get shit all the time.. I don’t care whether you insult me or not, shows what type of person you are in front of others right ;)
August 8th, 2008 at
well am just confirming your self image, no??
how can you “buy a man” if you cannot “sell” your self??
August 8th, 2008 at
HA HA HA HA HAA!!!
you ain’t confirming anything and if you read the blog carefully, you would find out at least what people think of the way I look which is totally irrelevant at this point.
Number 2, I am not buying a man at all!! and am not missing anything to get hooked :) huh!
August 8th, 2008 at
I am not a hardcore reader of blogs, I would read some posts here an there.
I used the words you used your self in one of the previous enteries. ya3ni the intention was to push some buttons (not for fun or attnetion though)
ma tez3ali mena haaaa
August 8th, 2008 at
mesh za3lane… Why do you like pushing buttons?!