Not so “Satan- proof” after all..
I ask forgiveness in advance from those close to me with your complete understanding of every word you will read in this post – your judgment won’t do me any good either, I just want to let this out of my heart and into cyber thin space.
I woke up today with every blasphemous intention of ignoring every single prayer! I have been missing on those for the last couple of days like crazy, yes me! The one who talks to people about prayer and advices them to hold on to it, such a hypocrite I turned out to be huh! The day I went to the hospital I didn’t pray at all! today I was determined and the thoughts in mind were so negative:
“Why should I pray?!” – “Allah doesn’t love me, why is this happening to me?!” – “Worse people get better things in this life!”
Ya know, all that human envy- weakness crap that sometimes possesses us and people would assume talking it out would really help when in fact one is too blinded, words just don’t make any sense then you start over thinking it, over dramatizing it, you start the comparisons and it never stops. So I had nothing else to do but clean the house in hopes of getting the devilish thoughts out while avoiding snacks since that seems to be my real passion in this life…
I skipped Fajer prayer, Thohr prayer, 3aser prayer and I heard the athan every single time and watched my old man go back & forth to the mosque, emotionless and very angry watch him happily prance off to pray, tell you the truth I was going to continue but when I heard Maghreb I washed up and prayed all that I missed and I sincerely felt that something was off my burdened chest.. I just don’t get why we humans put our anger out on our duties to the creator like that! I mean, I heard many use the exact same excuses I mentioned above; doesn’t that portray how weak we are? Instead of complaining why don’t you just work yourself up and have enough faith when it comes to Allah? I know that sometimes takes way too long or sometimes it would never happen still I guess it helps if we just rely on the one who made is initially right?!
It still upsets me that although I don’t ask for much, the evil universe plays tricks on me, testing my patience but I think my over sensitivity hurts only me so this time, I am going completely numb and I promise myself never to skip a prayer again! Never !
March 28th, 2009 at
I don’t pray recently, but my faith is very strong, sometimes I have these thoughts and whenever I do, I Astagfer Allah, because this isn’t my first time experiencing it, plus I know the freaking chain of thoughts which leads to yknow what.
you see, chika, this just proofs that you have a very clever mind, and I like the way you think.
March 28th, 2009 at
And why did you skip in the first place?
March 28th, 2009 at
Salam.
Let me share an experience. It was at a principles of jurisprudence (fiqh) class a few months ago. I almost fainted when I realized what the shaikh was saying. But first, some pre-requisite info:
1- Allah is the only true Crator of all created things
2- Thus, Allah has no judge and is not accountable to anyone.
3- Allah could have created us all in hell fire to begin with (it would be termed simple “torture”, but He has no judge remember; He is to do with His creation as He so wills); instead, we live this life, have a presumed ability of choice (free will), and based on the actions that take place (by Allah’s will), we are then put in our place wether Heaven or Hell (it would be termed ‘reward’ or ‘punishment’ instead of just torture).
4- What Allah gives us does not decrease from His Kingdom anything. We need Him and He does not need anyone.
Now to the point. The shiekh was discussing an area where scholars differed on the permissibility or hukum of performing specific worship acts (prayer,etc…) that people might do before revelation through the prophets came to explain what and how to perform the worship required from us by Allah.
The shiekh gave an example that I almost fainted when I heard it: Imagine a group of us went to a rich king to ask for donations for the poor. That king then gave us $1. One single dollar as a donation!!! Then imagine that the next day, we wanted to show appreciation and thanks to this King by putting an ad in the newspaper thanking the King for his $1 donation!! What would such an act be considered? It would be viewed as an insult rather than thanks and appreciation!!!
Similarly, what Allah (swt) would give (wealth, health, etc…) to the most well-off person in this world is nothing compared to Allah’s kingdom and bounties. And what Allah would give to the least well-off person in this world is good enough from Him, for He has not judge and it is of His generosity that He even gave us anything (eyes, ears, air,etc…).
So, far be it for us to attempt to thank Allah without explicit permission and form from Him on what and how to perform this required thanks!
An yet, I come across people who look at prayer/salat as a generous act from them towards Allah?!!! Subhan Allah!
March 28th, 2009 at
totally understand what u went through :(
March 28th, 2009 at
thank god you made it through
(وَمَا ظَلَمَهُمُ اللهُ وَلَكِنْ أَنْفُسَهُمْ يَظْلِمُونَ)
ta3wethy min eblis
ow ma3lich min shar enshallah
(أَحَسِبَ النَّاسُ أَنْ يُتْرَكُوا أَنْ يَقُولُوا آمَنَّا وَهُمْ لا يُفْتَنُونَ
be strong and face the days, be sure as you remember Allah
Allah will be by yourside
Love ya:**
March 28th, 2009 at
count your blessings. :_)
March 28th, 2009 at
“Opium of the masses”
March 28th, 2009 at
Glad you went back to your prayers ,, No one’s perfect and the fact that you realised your mistake and made a vow not to repeat it shows the strength of your character.
March 28th, 2009 at
One of the best blog posts I’ve read in a long time!
March 28th, 2009 at
al 7imdallah 3la kel 7al.. ya3nii mashallah 3leech u did the right thing after all.. oo hatha aham shaii ;)
“Instead of complaining why don’t you just work yourself up and have enough faith when it comes to Allah? I know that sometimes takes way too long or sometimes it would never happen still I guess it helps if we just rely on the one who made is initially right?!”
right, 9a7!
March 28th, 2009 at
Oh honey it’s ok… god understands you, god is merciful and forgiving and he knows what happened inside u better that any of us, he is ur creator after all…
The guilt ur feeling shows how torn ur about ur decision. I am sure that u will not want to repeat it again.
Would this be a bad time to tell u i have found u a box of Jaffa Cakes in TSC salmiya? I am about to write a post about it???
March 28th, 2009 at
الإنسان عبارة عن روح وجسد، الروح وهي المجردة تدير وتدبر الجسد الذي نراه. عندما تكون الروح أو النفس أمارة أي غير ملتزمة فهنا تكمن المشكلة لذا وجب معالجة النفس أو الروح لتصبح مطمئنة “أيتها النفس المطمئنة”.
أعملي لله و أعلمي أن الله يعطي ويأخذ ويكافئ ويختبر وإن جسدك فان وروحك مستمرة فأين المفر لتكن أعمالك و أورادك تتسم بالخير وتطلعي للسمو في معاملاتك مع نفسك والآخرين وتذكري أنك ممتحنة بغناك وفقرك بعافيتك ومرضك بالشدة والرخاء، و لابد من الجد والتعب للوصول للنفس المطمئنة وليس بالصلاة فقط بل هي جملة أعمال وهذا لأذكر نفسي أولا.
يمكن لكي أن تتعرفي على روحك عندما تتلذذي وتفرحي وتبكي وتعطشي…بمنامك و أحلامك عندما يكون جسدك نائما
March 29th, 2009 at
elmo2min mobtalah ..
March 29th, 2009 at
I am glad you are praying again. Bless you heart. I heard el shaikh say something about prayers(do3aa). God might not give you your need immediatley becuase he loves to hear you pray. it was Hadeeth not the shaikh’s own words.
March 30th, 2009 at
don’t be hard on yourself everyone has their moments of weakness. I guess it’s ok as long as you come out stronger than before and ilhamdillah u did :)
April 2nd, 2009 at
ربنا يجازيك ياشوشو النتن
April 26th, 2009 at
Alhumdulillah, you got back on track quickly. It tends to be hard for me sometimes too. I always imagine that if i lived somewhere where I could here azthans being called from masjids i wouldn’t have such a hard time but you know what I wake my husband up for salaat and still have issues.
My friend,(whose husband is Kuwaiti by the way)said just last night “Even shaikhs have low iman sometimes.” We just have to get through, and inshallah maybe if we keep on track when we really really don’t feel like it just maybe inshallah The Most Merciful will gives more reward for it.
March 12th, 2011 at
im feeling the same now..